Billie & Me

I am thinking I need to start documenting my life with Billie Jean. After reading Marley and Me, I am thinking that my dog is just as awful. She's so cute and cuddly and everyone loves her but she has one problem. One big problem: she eats EVERYTHING.

Here is a fun list of the items the dog has destroyed or chewed:

1. three bras (Victoria's secret at $40+ a pop)
2. All of her toys
3. Brett's winter boots
4. My winter clogs
5. Brett's running shoes
6. Three pairs of flip flops
7. My favorite pair of strappy black heels
8. the arm of my moms small couch
9. my couch in the office - all cushions
10. numerous buttons on pants and shirts
11. the corner of the bookshelf
12. a small area of the windowsill in the office
13. a small corner of the wall
14. 3+ small rugs including one that Brett brought back from Bahrain
15. the entire box spring covering
16. the corners of the entire bedroom 8x10 rug
17. several laundry baskets
18. every single corner of our coffee table including all legs and the table top - its not square anymore
19. all of my throw pillows
20. the buttons off my duvet cover
21. my cell phone (it was just chewed so I walk around every day with teeth marks in my cell phone)
22. one of her harnesses (now she has a collar)
23. Danielle's headphones
24. more pens than I can count - once she was blue for about a week from a pen

and the kickers this past week were the destruction of two items from our friends that were staying with us.

Billie was left alone for an hour while Casey, Christie and Brett ran a couple of miles around town. They came back to see Billie eating Casey's wallet. She ate a 2 inch hole in his leather wallet and a corner off of his drivers license. As if it doesnt get worse than that Billie was left for 10 minutes the other day and destroyed Christie's running shoes. The wallet made us laugh but the running shoes made us buy some lobster dinners for our guests.

Its to the point that Brett and I need to get serious about this problem. My dog is out of control with the chewing and its impacting our lives. Brett just thinks she is hysterical and does not discipline the dog at all. We need to have Cesar come by and tell Brett that he is the problem and to train the dog! I cant do it all on my own - I reprimand her and he laughs. I cage her for being bad and he mocks me and then takes her out. She's so funny and very cute but the chewing is getting to the point of no return. She is a year and a half old - teenage years. She is going to get into shape or she's being caged every single time we leave the house.

What do you guys think? What can we do? Any trainers you can suggest?

p.s. I am SURE there are more items she has chewed so this list will continue to be added to

Its Personal

On Monday night I went to a class. I came home to take the dog out and fed her and we played. I left for one hour. I came home to find the dog had opened my drawer (which was left open a crack) and stuffed her nose in there and picked out not one, not two but THREE of my bras. She then carried them to separate rooms and licked them. I came home to three wet bras all over the house as a little dog wiggled and showed me her belly saying "don't kill me mama!"

She sought out MY stuff and then made sure I knew she could have eaten them just as a warning. "Don't leave again bitch or these bras might be gonners!"

She Swims!

Take a look at the cutest video ever!



Bulldogs do not typically swim because they are heavier and have short legs and short noses. You can tell she isnt exactly enjoying it but we did!

I just love love love hanging out with my dog. She makes me so happy. She is so cuddly and wonderful and just loves her mama. I'm at home today - enjoying time with my puppy.

Weekly Billie Jean

I am going to start a weekly post for Billie Jean pictures. Here she is wondering what Mom is doing on that white thing on her lap. Thats were I sit so damnit I am going to figure out why its more fun than me. I'm not impressed so far.

Blue Paws

Last night I came home and read the note from the dog walker. It went something like this.

"Billie Jean LOVES the snow! She had a great time outside. I did find her chewing on a pen (now on TV) which would explain the blue paws. -Anne"

I walked over to my dog who was in belly rub position and looked at her paws. They were so blue it looked like she dipped them in blue dye. She was all happy and hanging out just waiting for me to be home. She ate the pen like 7 hours before that so there was no chance that she'd ever have any clue why i was mad so I didn't get mad. I just rubbed her belly while she bit my arm and licked my hand.

makes me sick

So I was doing research on Mommy Blogs for work. I got a list from a PR agency of influential mommy blogs and one of them was Dooce. This woman is hysterical and smart and she swears (come on Mommy's - you swear like a truck driver and I know it). The blogger on Dooce just got a new puppy. This is what made me sick.

On her site she has many forms of advertising. One of them is Google Adwords. I have nothing against Google but I saw something that made me uneasy. I saw multiple ads for Laughlin Kennels in Massachusetts. This is where we got Billie Jean. I couldn't get it out of my head that this place was a Puppy Mill when we bought her but she seemed normal and we ended up getting AKC papers on her so that calmed my nerves. This place has ads for Pugs and Whoodles (whatever that is) all over this blog. I hate the fact that we got her there and that they just pimp out these dogs all over the Internet. Poor puppies riding on the Puppy Bus from somewhere in the Midwest. I need to get over it but I just cant. I even looked up this kennel in the Better Business Bureau when we got her because I was so freaked out. It checked out with some random complaints and comments but nothing big. Then on Bulldog MeetUp everyone talks about this place and how its a Mill. Poor Billie Jean was brought to us by this gross place. At least she's a happy Human Dog.

What do you guys think? I think I just need to get over it. My desire to get a dog NOW was more important than getting one from a local breeder. Shame on me. I will never do it again.

Busy Lately

Hey everyone. I haven't had anything to post lately. Here are a couple Mini Posts to keep you busy.

Writers Strike
When is this going to be over. If LOST starts and then ends after 3 episodes with some crazy-ass cliff hanger I am going to me maadddd! Thankfully there are some new episodes of some of my old favorites to keep me busy.

Dog not a Human
So Brett thinks the dog is a human. She sleeps in the bed with us. Not at the foot of the bed but with her head on a pillow and her ass under covers. She is now much happier because we are allowing her to roam the house instead of being locked up in the bedroom. We come home every single time to the dog sleeping on many blanket on the couch. She's Brett in dog form. Also she has a problem. She is one of those dogs that eats everything. Last night it was: 1. food in tin foil 2. rusty screw 3. leaves 4. orange found on street 5. gum stuck on sidewalk 6. something that looked like throw up. If we don't watch her constantly she will eat everything. She's like those people I see on TV that eat the cotton balls and medical instruments while they are in the hospital. Pretty sure that was on Grey's Anatomy once.

Chatty Cathy
At The Agency there are lets say "people" that wont shut up. They have NO CLUE what they are talking about yet that thought never enters into their mind. They will continue to speak about nothing. These "people" also cut you off and also refuse to acknowledge that you attempted to speak. I will do the open my mouth and try to speak thing and then "people" just look at someone else and continue talking. I want to kill myself. I think my new years resolution is to only say things of value. "People" should do the same. No one wants to hear you talk as much as you think they do. Trust me!

Expensive my butt!
So I have posted before that I buy expensive jeans. I just recently lost both of my pairs of expensive jeans. One of them busted on the outside seam of my Thunder Thigh and the other had two large rips on either side of my inside thigh. It happened within 2 weeks of each other. $250 to rip after a little over a year and a half of wearing them. So - after I noticed the inside rips (at the Celtics game in the bathroom with a whole second half left) I was so angry. I then looked at my two new pairs of Jeans (same brands) that I bought 2 months ago are already wearing thin on the inside thigh area. So I whipped out my jean patches and ironed those bitches on. Today I am sporting my new "diaper jeans" that make me feel like I just pooped in my pants. Yes my patches feel like a nice layer of depends on my legs. Awesome huh? $90 jeans = depends fun. I hate my Thunder Thighs. My mom and my grandmother owe me some jeans because of my genes!

Thanksgiving Part 1

Saturday night I had a pre-thanksgiving day party with my friends from The Agency. We arrived fashionably late with dessert, dog and Brett's fresh military hair cut. Not many of the girls from work have met Brett so they were all in for some good staring.. umm talking. Brett got some good ego boosting comments - that he obviously remembered and tortured me with the next day. "So I'm hot Brett huh?" "Maureen says that I could have done better... whatcha think?"

We ate, we drank, we sang Celine Dion songs (don't ask) and we had a blast. The dog ran around all day trying to find stuff on the floor that was dropped. We will be sending a bill to the hosts for our dog's carpet cleaning services next week. There was a lively game of Kings in which CN blurted out "Touched by an Angel" as a Madonna song. I also apparently though that a rhyme for "His name was Bob" was "I needed to lob - it off". Apparently that didn't rhyme. I didn't understand why. hehe

Several hours into the night we walked to the bar where some other good quotes were said. One of them by the other host was "If this girl lost 60 pounds she would probably be cute" to the girl he was playing (read: flirting) a video game with. Brett loved my work friends. He always felt like he was missing out since he didn't know this new crew. He was part of the old tradition at The Agency but most of those people were long gone and make a crap load more money than I do at their jobs in SF, NY and at Yahoo!/MSN.

At the end of the night we came back to pick up the dog at the host's apartment. We had locked Billie Jean in the kitchen. Of course our dog was not OK with being left in the kitchen. She could NOT sleep on tile! So she slammed herself into the bedroom and passed out on the covered chair. We found her sleeping on her back like she was drunk. She might have been....

All in all a great night. Thanks to all! Esp to MB and The Meat for being great hosts!

bad mom

So I don't know if I could ever be a single mother. I don't know how they do it. I almost kill my dog on a daily basis. I cant imagine if I had a child that it would live to be older than 6 months. So far my dog has eaten a poisonous plant, cut her nail so badly she bleed for 5 hours and last night she not only picked up a dead bird and walked around with it but I found 5 nasty ticks on her. We had to operate on her last night to get them out. When I say "we" I mean I had to call my mom to come in and help me.

I'm a bad mom. Also all of this crap ONLY happens when Brett is gone and cant help. This is the third time we have called the vet for an emergency. I cant even raise a dog! I am better when there is someone around to help me. Its just tough to deal with all of this alone. Not only that but I have a dog walker. Why cant I raise a dog when I have a "dog nanny" for her. I swear Brett better be a good dad or this kid (whenever it comes) is going to be one damaged child if I am left to raise it alone.

evil chickens

I don't know what happened to me. If there was some big event or what but I hate chickens. I hate chickens so much that even the sight of a fake one makes me want to scream, run and vomit all at the same time. Last Thanksgiving Eve I was home alone (Brett was at work per usual) in my Avon Lake apartment and I logged onto the Yahoo! homepage. To my surprise a very large rooster took over my homepage and pecked at me. I was so freaked out I had a heart pain. A CHICKEN ON A LAPTOP GAVE ME A HEART ATTACK!

I have been made fun of this for years. Every now and then I get chicken gifts (Not funny Danielle!!) and people like to show me every random rooster/chicken "art" in Marshalls etc.

Last night I felt a little better about my hatred of chickens. I now have back up.

My puppy Billie Jean saw a rooster on the TV last night and started to attack it. She was barking (not normal) and growling at the TV while also trying to hide behind me. Damn Extreme Home Makeover!

I am glad my dog shares the hatred of the Evil Chickens. I knew we were meant for each other.

Billie Jean is not my lover...

she's my dog. A dog that sleeps in between my husband and I and farts and snores. Now that he is home we are not able to sleep unless Billie Jean is snug as a bug in our bed. She sleeps half the night like a human on her back and snoring. The other half of the night she is either on top of my head like a cat or touching my nose with hers. Her other favorite position is with her big head in your neck.

We love our little english bulldog puppy. She is 6 months old and spoiled rotten! Not only does she sleep on the bed with us but she sits on the couch and the papasan like they are her chairs. She also talks. If we arent paying attention to her this loud (turn up the TV loud) growling/whiny sound comes out of her like she's saying "hey! You guys! Pay attention to me!". Its horrible. We try to ignore her but the sound gets louder and then she'll jump up on the couch and do it in your face. We go to the local park every night to play with other dogs in the neighborhood. She loves the little boston terriers and other puppies. She doesnt exactly come when she's called nor does she sit unless the treat is displayed in front of her face. Otherwise she's a pretty good dog! hahaha